Ep. 26: I Shouldn't Have to Ask

Yes you should.

If you've ever been pissed at someone for not meeting an expectation you never actually communicated, this one's for you. And before you get defensive, we've done it too. Everyone has. But it's time to stop.

"They should just know" is the most expensive sentence in your vocabulary. It's costing you relationships. It's costing you friendships. It's costing you promotions. And the worst part is you don't even realize you're doing it.

People Are Dumber Than You Think

Especially men. Sorry. But genuinely.

You're walking around expecting people to magically understand what you need from them without ever saying it out loud. And then when they inevitably fall short, you're furious. As if they had all the information and just chose to ignore it.

They didn't have the information. You never gave it to them.

If you haven't set the expectation, whether it's at work, in your relationship, or in your friendships then why would this person magically meet it? They wouldn't. Because they can't read your mind. Nobody can.

And a lot of people are single right now specifically because they're waiting to find a partner who just knows everything without being told. That person doesn't exist.

The Cool Girl Trap

Let's talk about why people don't communicate.

A lot of women fall into this trap of wanting to seem chill. Low maintenance. Easy going. Like nothing bothers them. Because somewhere along the way they got the message that having expectations makes them crazy or dramatic or too much.

So instead of saying what's actually bothering them, they swallow it. They play it cool. They tell themselves it's not that deep.

It is that deep. And you know it is because it's eating you alive.

Here's the thing about not communicating: you think you're avoiding a problem. You're actually just delaying an explosion. You're not going to get over it. You might get through it once. Maybe ten times. But eventually you're going to snap. And when you do, you're the crazy bitch. Even though the only reason you snapped is because you held it in for a hundred days instead of addressing it on day one.

That's not being chill. That's being a ticking time bomb.

Low Maintenance Is a Personality Disorder

The nonchalantness of our generation needs to die.

It's everywhere. In dating. At work. In friendships. This air of "I don't give a fuck about anything" that everyone's walking around with. It's whatever if we get married. It's whatever if I get promoted. It's whatever if my boss thinks I'm good or not.

Why is everything whatever?

People are scared of feeling things. That's what it comes down to. As long as you don't communicate your expectations, you don't have to acknowledge that there's something deeper going on. You don't have to be vulnerable. You don't have to risk hearing that the other person can't or won't meet you where you need them to.

But avoiding that conversation doesn't protect you. It just guarantees you'll be disappointed without ever giving them a chance to show up for you.

Everyone needs to be a little bit more chalant.

It's the Same at Work

This isn't just a relationship thing.

How many people are sitting at their jobs right now frustrated that nobody recognizes how hard they work? That they got passed up for a promotion? That their manager doesn't get what they bring to the table?

And how many of those people have actually laid out their KPIs, communicated their value, and asked for what they want?

Almost none of them. Because they think their boss should just know.

Your boss isn't going to know. Your coworkers aren't going to know. Nobody is going to advocate for you the way you can advocate for yourself. And if you're waiting for someone to notice without you saying a word, you're going to be waiting for a long time.

The way you communicate in your personal life is the exact same way you show up at work. If you're holding shit in at home, you're holding shit in at the office too. If you can't set expectations with your partner, you're not setting them with your manager either.

It all bleeds together.

What to Actually Say

Okay so you've identified that something is bothering you. Now what?

First: don't go to them immediately. Do some soul searching. Figure out why it triggered you. Is it actually about what they did or is it connected to something deeper? Someone's not responsible for your triggers. So before you walk up to them guns blazing, understand what you're actually feeling and what you need.

Then when you're ready, here's the framework. Write this down:

"When you did this, it made me feel this way."

That's it. That works at work. That works in a relationship. That works in a friendship. It's not accusatory. It's not dramatic. It's just honest.

And most of the time when you approach someone like that, they'll say something like "I'm so sorry, I had no idea." Because they genuinely didn't know. Because you never told them.

If you want to be even smoother about it, lead with what you do like instead of what you don't. "I really love when you do this" is going to land so much better than "I hate when you do that." One makes them want to do more of it. The other makes them defensive.

Set It, Say It, Stick to It

The whole point of communicating your expectations is that once you do, you have something to go back to.

If you told someone exactly what you need and they agreed to it and then they keep falling short, that's a real conversation. You can point to it and say this is what we talked about and you're not delivering on it. That's not crazy. That's accountability.

But if you never said it in the first place and you're just stewing in silence waiting for them to figure it out? You can't be mad. You literally can't. Because they don't know what they don't know.

Three strikes on the same problem is a good rule. First time, communicate it. Second time, reinforce it. Third time? Call it a day. Whether that's a relationship, a friendship, or a job. If someone has heard you loud and clear three times and still isn't changing, they're telling you something.

Telepathy Is Not a Love Language

Nobody is coming to read your mind.

Not your partner. Not your boss. Not your best friend. Not the person you've been "talking to" for six months without defining what the hell it even is.

If you want flowers, say you like flowers. If you want to know where the relationship is going, ask. If you want a raise, make the case. If something hurt you, say it before it festers into something you can't control.

The real chill girl is the one who actually has her shit together and is the one who communicates. She's not holding stuff in. She's not playing a role. She's not pretending things don't bother her. She says what she needs, she finds out if the other person can meet her there, and she moves accordingly.

That's not being high maintenance. That's being a functioning adult.

So wherever you are right now, in your relationship, at work, in your friendships, communicate one expectation this week that you've been holding in. Just one. See what happens.

Because the alternative is you keep holding it in, keep pretending you're fine, and eventually crash out on someone who never even knew there was a problem.

And that's not fair to either of you.